Who (will watch) the Watchmen?

io9 has a piece up, bluntly titled, "Watchmen Shouldn't Be A Movie." More cohesive and researched than anything I'd put together on the subject, I agree whole heartedly with its thesis: that a Watchmen film will be, at the very least, misguided, and at the very most, boring. Specifically, I agree with their statements that "Watchmen is of its time," that "It's about the history of comics," and "It's about experimenting with comic format."

The last of these is the easiest to dismiss -- many books adapted into films have experimented with a straightforward narrative and worked wonderfully. But ignoring that, the fact that it's a comic about the history of comics, and true to a very specific period in time could help contribute to a misguided attempt at a literal translation.

I got my grubby robomitts on a copy of the earlier David Hayter draft, that appropriately updated the background conflict that drives the main narrative of the story. It still missed the boat on commenting on comics as a medium, but it was a very well done adaptation, keeping key moments, while jettisoning all the non-essential chunks. Hayter's draft was an adaptation of a graphic novel to film, trying to retain the more universal of its themes. 

Current director Snyder has said many times it will be a literal translation of the graphic novel, going so far as to produce an animated The Black Freighter piece to be put on the DVD. The Black Freighter comic-within-the-comic is meta-comicdom, and its whole point of existence is extremely questionable in film format, as it attempts to conduct a comic experiment in a completely different medium, literally. That he's willing to do this shows me that he might not have the necessary perspective -- any non-literal perspective -- that might be necessary to adapt such a dense piece of contemporary fiction.

But, anyway, that's just me... go read the piece over at io9.

-RoboNixon

WEEDS - A Return to Form?

WEEDS is back on Showtime in its fourth season. With two episodes under the belt, it's time to kick the tires a bit and see how this baby rolls.

After a tired and meandering third season, Weeds seems to have returned to form... kind of. Gone is Agrestic, a tract-housing suburb so important to the show that it served as a character for three seasons. Instead, we get the the border-town of Ren Mar, complete with nearby ocean, German food, and miles of fencing separating America from Mexico. 

Gone are two of the shows biggest characters, Haylia, the supplier to Nancy's seller, and Conrad, not only the most-important non-Botwin Family character, but the romantic interest. 

But!! We get the addition of Albert Brooks as Nancy's gambling-addict father-in-law.

So where does that leave us?

Let's start with the good and work our way to the bad, eh? 

Albert Brooks is pretty terrific as Judah and Andy's father, who is a total asshole, a gambling addict, and 100% classic Albert Brooks. He's curmudgeonly, he's exasperated, and he doesn't want "Not-Francie's" family in the house. Good. Great. I'm only bummed knowing that Brooks is only contracted for two more episodes. Bummer. He brings an inner life and a sense of lived-in-ness that the show was missing all last season.

Andy. Justin Kirk is a pretty terrific actor all around, and while I imagine he's on this show to pay the bills, he never slacks off. It also helps that he's been given some great material to work with, like the scene in the 4th season premier where he tells Nancy about how her dead husband showed him pictures of her naked when they had first started dating. It's a great bit between the two actors, and it plays to a lot of the strengths the show has forgotten it has... 

And, of course, Mary-Louise Parker is great... when she has the chance. There's something a little crazy and sad in her eyes that makes her believable... even when she makes really, really, really terrible decisions. She's funny, and you can understand that she's just trying to carry on after the death of the person who was her other half...

Which leads us to one of my big problems. Which is that in season 1, Nancy sold weed to maintain this lifestyle for her and her children. As she got more involved in it, she lost track of where she was, and how her absence was affecting her children. But now, having burnt down their house, having picked her kids up and moved them hundreds of miles, having employed her eldest son in the drug trade, after ignoring her teenage son's obvious cries for help and attention, I begin to wonder... why is Nancy selling drugs? She has given up everything she sold weed to keep, not least of all her family. She is a terrible, terrible parent. Shane should be put into foster care, or should be adopted by someone at least moderately more stable. And Silas is just ... I mean, he's going to end up in a trailer, in the middle of the desert, making meth, and crossing over into AMC's Breaking Bad. We all know that's how it ends for him. 

So what does Nancy want?

With Conrad gone it's hard to say. When he was on the show, he provided a warm counterpoint to Nancy's ingenue. He was in the drug trade, but he knew how rough it was. He wanted to protect Nancy for the ugly angles of things. And for Nancy, he was the possibility, that maybe there was a new life ahead for her, that maybe she could find someone who she cared for, and cared for her. That maybe things could ultimately come together.

But not anymore.  So I'm left wondering why Nancy is working for the (much less threatening than last-season) Mexican drug-lords. I'm left wondering why they're on the lam, when I imagine Nancy has a chunk of insurance money coming her way from her house. And I'm left wondering where the show is going. 

The ship has righted itself. But I fear they've lost the map.

-RoboNixon

The Incredible Hulk

I saw The Incredible Hulk on Friday with RoboGirlfriend, and we both enjoyed it. While lacking in the charm and good-humor that made Iron Man rocktacular, Hulk is fast-moving, efficient, and action-filled. Enough so that I can ignore the problems with it and enjoy it on the same level as Transformers... with the knowledge that it is much, much better than 'Formers.

I liked Edward Norton. I liked the opening Hulk action scene, where the Hulk stays in the shadows for nearly all of the battle. I liked the Captain America'd Blonsky fighting Hulk one-on-one, and the Abomination battle is brutal and fun, even if it wasn't nearly as epic as a Hulk fight should truly be.

It was an enjoyable film where you watch a gigantic green guy beat shit up for two hours.

As a counterpoint, though, I did see Iron Man again, and that movie holds up very, very well, especially after Hulk. Tony Stark's cameo is great, if super, super tiny, and continues the thread of setting up things for the Avengers movie. Which I am totally stoked about. And will nerd-out about in an upcoming post.

So my Hulk recommendation? See it in theaters, but see it as a matinee. Fun, enjoyable, but nothing great. 

Here's lookin' at you, Banner.

-RoboNixon

Welcome to Earth, Bitch!

"Revelations"

The mid-season finale of BSG has come and gone, and we wait in the shadows for Sci-Fi to give us the dates for the final chunk of BSG episodes -- ever -- to air (in 2009). This leaves us plenty of time to ponder what we saw, the revelations received, in this, the end of the story arc that has driven the show since the mini-series.

Because, of course, they find Earth.

And, of course, it totally sucks the big one.

But let's start at the beginning. A much more thorough recap can be found here; I'm going to go through and discuss my likes/dislikes, and what we may have left.

Tory is a little bitch. That's right, I came out and said it. The first of the Final Cylons to jump-ship, she has had a hankering for some Cylon love for a while. I really, really hope that Tory gets a good pay-off, because they've played so much with her character this season, I'd be disappointed if it was merely to show the contrast between the Final bunch. She is, however, a tool. She doesn't have the cajones to live up to what she is, but she so desperately wants to. She has to have a cover to get off the ship, ostensibly to give Roslin her meds and, you know "be her assistant" and such, but as soon as she arrives, all she does is act petulant. I would have preferred it if instead of telling Roslin she no longer takes orders from her she would have gestured to her crotch and said, "Suck it." 

I like Chief, Anders, and Tigh getting together around the Viper and quickly becoming frustrated. I especially liked Tigh finally getting his act together, and the moment where he realizes what he needs to do is one of the best moments in the episode. Marches down the hall, to Adama, and let's him know that, shit, man, I should've told you a while ago, but hey, I'm a Cylon... 

And Adama kept waiting for him to go "PYSCH!" but it never happened. Instead we get a nice little-bit of Adama realizing that things are too frakked up to keep going on, and he drools all over his son. Tigh gets brought to the airlock, understands what might need to be done to stop D'Anna from airlocking more pilots on the base-star, and then gives up Anders and Chief much more quickly than I would have guessed.

The look on Chief's face when the Marines come in to interrupt the little Starbuck-Anders-Chief Viper love-fest is priceless. And when Starbuck turns to Anders, the classic Starbuck WTF face plastered all over her, I kept thinking of the line earlier in the season, where she tells him that if he was a cylon, she'd blow his brains out. Ahhhh, sweet love. But things are more complicated than that now, and hey, at least Tigh, Chief and Anders aren't all whiney like Tory is. Also, not evil like Tory is. But I suppose the difference is they don't want to be Cylons, and Tory does. 

Back to the Airlock for a moment -- why is it that the favorite means of execution is airlock? It was badass early on in the show's run, when it was a nice creative way to off someone without a big mess, but at this point it's kind of played out. I mean, seeing someone shoot out into the icy vacuum doesn't have the same weight it once did. Especially not after Cally's frozen-drifting-through-space mugshot a handful of episodes ago. Isn't it just easier at this point to put a bullet in someone's head?

I both like and hate how the writers got themselves out of a pickle. The idea that the Final Five will show everyone the way to Earth was always a problem I was particularly fond of -- because the Final Four that we know had no idea how to get there. They were just some dudes who suddenly realized they're a little different than everyone else. Like back when Anders is on the basestar and the hybrid mentions that the Five will lead everyone to Earth and he has that shifty-eyed "oh shit" look on his face. But in this ep it's resolved in a way that is believable, but kind of a cheat. OK, so the ship Starbuck came back on suddenly is getting a beacon from Earth, and they wouldn't have known without the Final Four getting all head-trippy. I buy it, it's a way out, but it's kind of a cheat. 

Emphatic "meh."

I also don't know how much I buy the humans making another deal with the cylons, especially now that their leader is totally-batshit-crazy D'Anna. Especially after something she says in this very episode, about how can you try to live with the humans after they failed so miserably on New Caprica? But whatever, you know, we all want Earth, blah blah blah. I don't know if the people of the fleet -- the people who suffered on New Caprica, who worked so hard to shake off the yoke of occupation -- would be so happy to know they're gonna settle down on this Thirteenth Colony together. But this show could give a rat's ass about the regular folk in the fleet, so it's a moot point*.

Then they jump into Earth orbit and everyone flips their shit. What was with Lee jumping up and down and stripping? It was like suddenly Galactica is an intergalactic Chippendales. But they're all totally stoked, and Earth is all pretty, so of course, they take down some ships filled with only the characters who are the focus of the show (fuck scientists, other quorum members, and so on!), and come to some pretty nasty conclusions.

Now, here we are at the ending, and I'm sure this is one of those things people will mostly love, but I'm pretty unexcited about. They're on Earth, and Adama gets a handful of soil (like he was destined to get), and it's radioactive, and there are ruins everywhere, and the weather's shitty, and man, everyone's moping because there are no nice planets in the galaxy.

I was waiting the whole time for the Statue of Liberty to be buried half in the sand and for Adama to scream "YOU BASTARDS!" at it as the Ape-Cylons came riding in on horses. I suppose on one hand, it's a good resolution to the whole Let's-find-Earth plot that's been driving the show since the mini-series, but on the other hand, it's a bummer, and, it seems to be, a vague rehash of the whole New Caprica crap. Fleet finds planet. Everyone happy. They settle down. Planet shitty. Cylon crap. blah blah blah. Except now they're on the Thirteenth Colony and it's shitty and there's going to be Cylon crap blah blah blah. 

So I don't know. I think the show has lost so much of my goodwill this season I don't know if I trust Ron Moore y Co. to not ruin the last half of the last season for me. The possible conflicts we have moving forward are the Other-Cylons, perhaps some survivors on Earf? And, of course, the idea that this has all happened before, and will happen again.

Though, for the record, if the remains of the Thirteenth Colony are from when the initial exodus, that lead to the founding of the other Twelve Colonies, occurred, then there really wouldn't be any ruins. Didn't any one watch that Discovery Channel special about Earth After People? A couple hundred years and ain't nothin' existin'. 

Also, where are the forests 'n shit? On Caprica there were forests, even after all the cities had the shit bombed out of them. That's how Helo got his boogie on with Athena/Boomer/Cylon. 

The big reveal we're all waiting for is who the Final Fifth cylon is. We've had some conflicting information about their location, with D'Anna telling us they're not in the fleet (abwah?), but Number Six (who shall now be referred to as Pregnant Six, you sly dog you) mentioned that she could "feel" the Five nearby. So... who do we trust? I think there are some lame possibilities. 

Obviously, D'Anna could be lying. Which is a much more "LOST" way of dealing with things than BSG typically resorts to. In this way, I think Gaeta might be a good choice, because why did we spend time with him this episode, fumbling and bumbling his way around the console in CIC, if not to set something up? Dualla has also been brought back from episodic limbo, which is great, because in the episodes she has been in she's been totally wasted. Good job, team.

Alternately, the final fifth cylon could be on Earth. Or could be dead. Considering how many characters have eaten the Big Mac over four seasons, that gives us fairly limitless possibilities. D'Anna doesn't mention that one of them is dead, though, and no one presses the issue on the fifth, which is annoying and not dealt with, but whatever. Thoughts? Ideas? Perhaps D'Anna is the fifth cylon... perhaps...

So, I guess it was a pretty good episode... that leaves me fairly worried about the remainder of the season. We're going to see a lot of regulars eat it. I just hope that Moore gets his shit together, and blows my friggin' mind.

Word.

-RoboNixon

*Which isn't to say they always hated the regular people. In season 2, especially, we get a much grander sense of the world, with a lot of press, a sense that there were really other people in the fleet, beyond the characters we followed. There were the Roslin-haters, there were the press people, there were the prisoners on the ship in Season 1, there were the black-market dealers in Season 2, and so on. Even in Season 3 we get Chief aboard the Tylium processing ship with the coal-miner-like workers. This season we get... Uhhh... Err.... Um.... 

Exactly.

Charting the Charts

Oh God. A bunch of shit I don't care about occurs on the Billboard charts this past week.

Weezer's new AMAZING album (...cough cough...) debuted at #4, down from #2 for their previous album, Make Believe. 

Disturbed, a band I intentionally avoid listening to, debuted at #1, proving that rock is alive, you know, just not in the way that it's actually "rock 'n roll." Journey inexplicably charts in at #5, Jewel debuts at #8, and the S & the C soundtrack continues to be hot shit, at #7 in its second week.

On the less-than-top-ten part of the chart, Leona Lewis, Madonna,  and other shit I don't care enough to mention have gone gold. 

Singles-wise, Modern-Rock-wise, Weezer continues to reign atop that chart with Pork & Beans, proving... that... I don't know, people like Weezer regardless of quality? I got nothing. The Offspring continues to surprise me with their continued existence at #2 with Hammerhead, a song I have yet to hear anywhere. I'm disappointed that the Foo Fighters have become the lazy-masters of Rock, because they used to be great, and now are, well, less than great. They're at #3. Linkin Park, Seether, Flobots, Nine Inch Nails, and Death Cab for Cutie are up there, and Salute Your Solution is hanging firm at #9, with Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow's band serving up flavor at #10 with Violet Hill.

Also, there are no vowels in the first four letters of Mrs. Paltrow's first name. I guess "y" is a sometimes vowel, but it's weird typing a name with seven letters and only one is a vowel. 

Next week, things continue to happen!

-RoboNixon

GTA IV: Final Thoughts

COMPLETE!

Finally, after taking a brief-brief-brief GTA IV sabbatical, I returned to the game, alternating missions with RoboRoommate v.2, and then, two nights ago, it happened. I beat the game. At first the final mission, which involves an epic car chase, a massive gun-fight, a dirt-bike v. motorboat chase, a helicopter v. boat chase, and then, finally, an execution on "Happiness Island" (aka Ellis/Liberty Island), seemed difficult. But, like all the missions in GTA IV, if you take your time with it, it's much easier than first glances would seem.

So now, here, finally, is my GTA IV, post-game post-mortem. As you can see here, the game has gotten amazing reviews coming out its pores. I'm not going to review the game, as much as say that the reviews are a little overstated, and that the game, while really, really great, is not perfect, but, rather, is a delightful bit of foreplay for what (hopefully) will be a real culmination of all that this game sets up.

Let's start with gameplay. As I stated waaaaaay back here, the mechanics in this game are so much better than previous GTAs. The gun fights are no longer the frustrating, terrible, shoot-outs with terrible aim that the previous games brought. The Gears-of-War style duck-'n-cover system lends a much more strategic element to the game, and makes the gun-fights themselves more exciting. Unfortunately, it also makes the gunfights, for the most part, too easy. Which isn't necessarily a huge complaint -- the game is incredibly fun -- but I imagine in the next outting they will balance the system more, as well as give a greater variety to the shoot-outs. I mean, as much fun as it is heading down a hall and eliminating baddies, one by one, you do it so many times in GTA IV that it quickly becomes rote.

The driving mechanics are also greatly improved. While the motorcycles are still perhaps a smidge too troublesome, the driving in this game is top-notch. I had a lot of fun cruising around the city, power sliding, and hitting motorcyclists at top speed for amusement. Also, the car chases in this game are incredible, epic, and tough. They did a real solid with this.

Also, it need not be said, because so many have said it so much better than I can, but the world these developers, programmers, and engineers created is amazing. Liberty City is a great, living, breathing place. I can't wait to see where they go with GTA next. 

Really, my biggest problem with the game is the story. The American Dream is the underlying theme, for all the characters, all who talk about making an easy buck the hard way, then using that money to improve the city. Noble, but the irony is, of course, that no one ever fulfills this promise, because most end up with a bullet in their head.

The characters are GREAT, though, don't get me wrong. And Niko is a pretty great protagonist for us to control on his quest for vengeance. Sadly, though, this quest for vengeance is underdeveloped, and never really amounts to much. The emotional depths they could have gone to aren't realized, and ultimately so many of the characters we meet are tossed aside as the spindly narrative reaches its stuttering conclusion. For instance, there are two possible finales. And in one of them, a good friend's sister -- and Niko's romantic interest -- is killed, and so you must get revenge as your final act before settling down into the American dream.

But in this ending, only two other characters lend a hand -- the dope-smoking, unintelligible Little Jacob, and your nervous, just-married cousin, Roman. The dead chick's brother and crime family? Not involved. The array of characters you do missions for? Not involved. At least if the narrative had crumbled under its own weight, it'd be admirable. This starts building that bridge... but gives up halfway through.

GTA IV is a great, great game. It's a hell of a lot of fun to play, it's engrossing, but, perhaps more importantly, it sets the stage for a truly grandiose game. This is the great student film that leads to the next project being The Godfather of games (though Birth of a Nation would be a more apt metaphor, history-of-film-wise). If they can get the narrative under control, they have the opportunity to truly blow our minds.

Until then, time to blow-out some brains in Liberty City.

-RoboNixon

Don't Mess With the Zohan (Unless You're 12)

So I saw You Don't Mess With the Zohan, Adam Sandler's latest creation. I haven't seen the last handful of Sandler flicks (the last I saw in theaters was Anger Management... in 2003), so what made me go "Hrm. I'll see this film!" 

Judd Apatow. Yes, Judd Apatow, he of 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, producer of Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Freaks & Geeks of TV renown. Along with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog mastermind, Robert Smigal, and Sandler, Apatow wrote the screenplay to this comedy-in-the-world-of-Middle-East-Conflict. How does it fair?

Well, Apatow decided to channel his inner twelve year old. Smigal's humor has always been fairly silly, and Sandler's audience is typically acne-prone, hormonal, and can't vote, so their contributions weren't a surprise. Maybe I just expected more from Apatow. My B.

Because "Zohan" is a silly, silly, movie. At times, like a live-action cartoon. The plot follows counter-terrorist Israeli super-agent, hacky-sack champ, disco dancer, and naked-chef, the aspiring hair-dresser, Zohan. He's great at everything, but is sick of all the fighting. So he fakes his death in a face-off with John Turtorro's "Phantom," and sets out for NYC , renaming himself Scrappy Cocoa (After two dogs -- literally -- he gives make-overs to), and gets in all sorts of crazy hi jinks. He finally gets a job at a shitty beauty-shop run by a Palestinian (Emmanuelle Chriqui from ENTOURAGE), falls in love, bones old ladies, and stops a crazy Dave Matthews red-neck from burning down the neighborhood and inciting Israeli-Palestinian New York City Conflict.

It is ridiculous. 

The scene where we're introduced to Matthew's red-neck character, decked out in a silly mustache, cowboy hat, and terrible plaid, I had no idea who the actor was. "He looks familiar," I thought to myself. I turned to RoboGirlfriend, who I dragged along with me, "Is that Dave Matthews?" "Yes," she replied, then returned her gaze to the screen .Wow. Dave Matthews in an Adam Sandler film. Later in the movie, he enters screen with a bomb and a cage full of adorable puppies. "I'll blow you up... and these puppies!" He cackles. Wow.

Some mention should be made to the extensive cameos. George Takei, Bruce Vilanch, John McEnroe, Kevin James, Mariah Carey, Kevin Nealon, and that's just off the top of my head. Which, of course, leads to a ridiculous scene of product promotion.

The scene: Mariah Carey, John  Turtorro, Adam Sandler, Carey's assistants.

Sandler's phone rings. It's a video-communique.

Mariah Carey: What kind of phone is that?

Sandler: (turns with phone to camera) A Sony Ericsson.

Carey: Does that have bluetooth?

Sandler: Yes.

Carey: I can never figure that out.

Sandler: You just sync it to your computer. What kind of computer do you have? Mac or PC?

Carey: I don't know. (to assistants) What kind of computer do I have? PC or Mac?

Assistants: Mac.

There was probably more. I can't remember more because I was too busy at the time, being bludgeoned to death by advertising. Later:

Carey: (to Turtorro, as he exits) Don't forget to buy my latest album!

And that's the movie.

If you can't vote, and have recently entered puberty, this movie is for you. Otherwise, at best, it's worth a shot on DVD.

-RoboNixon

It Had to Happen Eventually...

Two years ago, when RoboNixon was recovering after some CPU work, he had the chance to read Warren Ellis' interesting graphic novel, OCEAN. The first thing I thought was that, with a little more development, this could make for a really tight, very exciting, very original feature film.

Looks like I was two-years ahead of the game.

OCEAN was originally published as a six-part mini-series.

From the Hollywood Reporter:

Ryan Condal has been hired to adapt "Ocean," [...] by Warren Ellis that is set up at Warner Bros. Nick Wechsler and Hollywood Gang's Gianni Nunnari are producing.

The story revolves around the discovery of thousands of coffins containing angel-like bodies and a giant weapon of mass destruction beneath the ice on Europa, one of Jupiter's moons. A U.N. weapons inspector is sent to investigate the find, teaming with a space station crew, when a powerful conglomerate moves in to exploit the discovery.

Hopefully they'll fix some of the problems in the story and beef up the more exciting elements. It's worth a read, though maybe not worth the investment of a purchase. Check your local library, or bug your nerdy friends. Lord know, where Warren Ellis goes, the geek will follow.

-RoboNixon

Charting Music

Here's the Billboard music round-up.

Frank Sinatra's best-of, "Nothing But the Best" is in the top 10, at #6, falling from #4 last week. Death Cab for Cutie is at #10, down from #5 last week, and #1 the week before that. I'm not a big fan, but good for them. I like it whenever a rock album tops the charts. It's like a dying beast throwing out its limbs with its final breath.

Madonna's at #11, and after 5 weeks, still has yet to move 500,000 copies. Her primo-days are long gone, my friends. Kid Rock's latest has gone gold, making me die a little inside, Jack Johnson has gone platinum, making me sleepy inside, and Alvin & the Chipmunks refuses to leave the charts, has gone gold, and hovers around #24 (up from #29 last week). That movie is evil, so I imagine someone selling their soul cut a smooth contract that guaranteed theatrical and musical success.

We eat each other's shit for laughs.

REM hovers at #66, and The Raconteurs are out of the top 100. Bummer.

As far as singles go, Weezer reigns supreme with Pork & Beans at #1 on the Modern Rock chart, which makes me sad, but is followed up by a new Offspring song at, surprisingly, #2. Wow. I thought they spontaneously combusted or something. Good to have you back, guys. Be good. "Salute Your Solution" by The Raconteurs rounds off the top 10.

And there's your music minute.

-RoboNixon

Surprise!

The new Weezer album, "Weezer," is, evidently, terrible.

Like none of us saw this coming.

I haven't heard it yet, but I have to say, I find no reason to buy this album. I don't like the single, and their albums have been on a downward slide since Matthew Sharp left the band. Weezer, you have finally lost RoboNixon. 

Goodbye Weezer. (sniffle) Goodbye forever.

Weezer reviews: AV Club, Rolling Stone, NYTimes

-RoboNixon

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of I WANT MY MONEY BACK

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is terrible. I'm going to make a list of things that are terrible about it. I'm sure this list cannot possibly encompass ALL that is terrible about it, as I suffered some sort of mental block, possibly to prevent myself from finding and burning all prints of the film, so if you want to add anything, please do in comments.

Also, I should warn you, if you haven't seen the film, DO NOT SEE IT. This movie will give you cancer. This movie will be like Michael Jackson in bed with your children. This movie will make you hate Indiana Jones forever (like poor RoboGirlfriend, who had never seen an Indy film before, and never will again).

--The kids in the drag-racing car at the beginning. Why the hell are they there? What do they contribute? Anything? ANYTHING?! No. No they don't. The entire credit sequence and beyond has no bearing on the plot* of the film.

(* -- calling it a "plot" is being kind. More like "insipid action scenes tied together by a bored looking Harrison Ford reading things and telling them where to go.")

--CGI Animals. CGI Prairie Dogs in the beginning. HOW CUTE! How unnecessary. How uninspired. CGI Animals help Shia LaBeouf swing through the trees, and then the CGI monkeys attack Cate Blanchett. I hate you, Spielberg and Lucas and Koepp. I hate you so much.

--Shia LaBeouf is left behind in the jungle. So in order to catch up with the racing amphibious vehicles he... swings through the jungle on vines with monkeys? Really? No, seriously, this happens? YES. YES IT DOES.

--John Hurt. Why he was in this movie, I don't know. He babbles a lot, doesn't help, and speaks in verse ("That's Milton," says Blanchett at one point). Why they need such an acclaimed actor to mumble and babble his way through this film, I know not. What a waste. A waste of time. Space. Money. And, importantly, my attention.

--Ray Winstone. Why he was in this movie, I don't know. I actually kind of liked him in this movie, but his character is so amazingly under-developed it baffled me. He has a decade+ of work with Jones, yet he becomes a turn-coat on his BFF because the "soviets pay." Really? At least Belloq in Raiders wanted the glory of the discovery, and the power the Ark brought, despite his... distaste for the Nazis employing him. Winstone just seems to careen around the plot as the script demands, regardless of character, rationale, or anything else. Then, at the very end, after spending the previous five minutes looting treasure, Indy's got him holding onto his whip, and is reeling him in so he doesn't get sucked into another dimension (yeah, no, really), and Winstone just says "I'll be OK," and lets go of the whip. WHAT?! FUCK YOU, MOVIE.

--Karen Allen. Not terrible. I like Karen Allen. By far the best Indy-Chick. However, underutilized in this film. Because there are a bajillion other characters that need to be underdeveloped, we don't really even get her until half-way through the film. I guess my complaint is that she isn't really used, and the movie she's in sucks.

--When Marion drives the truck off the cliff and onto the TREE growing out the cliff-side that SAVES THEM from HORRIBLE DEATH? Stupid. The part where Marion drives them off THREE HUGE WATERFALLS? And they don't die HORRIBLE DEATHS?!

--There was never any moment where I felt any of them were in any danger. Ever. The motorcycle chase through the streets of New Haven... er... "College Town".... was cool, but there was never any danger. At the end, when the temple is being sucked into itself, Indy is literally WALKING UP THE STAIRS. Indiana Jones and the Warner Bros. Cartoon Adventure should have been the real title. I was about as worried for Indy and Co. as I am for the Roadrunner.

--In the jungle, there is a totally ridiculous machine the Soviets are using to cut a path through the dense underbrush to make a road for their evil-Soviet convoy. Or whatever. OK, fine, I'll accept it. Then Indy blows it up. OK, cool. But then there is a HYPER-LONG chase on ROADS through the jungle... the jungle that they needed a ginormous ridiculous vehicle to cut roads with. The entire film is filled with implausibilities like this. Or "plot-holes" if you want to call them that.

--Who are these scary gymnast dudes in the cemetery that attack Indy and Mutt? No, seriously, who are they?! They never come back, they're never explained. 

--Indiana Jones does not solve any real puzzles in this movie, with the exception of "figuring out" where the blah blah is and ohmigod this movie is punishment.

--The Bad CGI Alien at the end. Need I say more.

--The non-threatening Soviets. At least in the previous Indy movies, the bad guys were Nazis, who were, actually, like the worst-fucking-people ever. Nazis = not good. I think that's just a fact we can agree on (beyond the fact that yeah, Oskar Schindler was a Nazi -- not all were TERRIBLE -- but you know the point that I'm making). But the Soviets in this movie aren't particularly threatening. They don't really mess things up too bad. Indy escapes them pretty easily (and kills a ridiculous amount of them in horrible horrible ways), and their evil "master plan" isn't really that threatening: They're going to somehow use the Crystal Skulls to psychically alter all Americans into communists. OK. Great. Except we never see any possible threat of this happening. It's all big-talk.

--Oh, did I forget to mention that Indiana Jones survives a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION from GROUND ZERO? By getting into a "lead-lined" fridge, and then being launched a few miles into the distance. Obviously, a lead-lined fridge not only can protect you from radiation, but also from physics, as being rocketed at hundreds of miles an hour and then bouncing across the desert would turn you into a sort of Indiana-Gelatin.

Ugh. There's more. I'm just sick of spending time thinking about the movie. I love you, Raiders of the Lost Ark. I respect you, Temple of Doom. I think you're silly but enjoyable, Last Crusade. But Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I hate you. I will always hate you.

-RoboNixon

Transformers 2 Spoilers

Return of the Dead Robot

by RoboNixon y RoboRoommate v.2

"Autobots! Roll out!"

Exclaimed the transforming truck

"Jazz is Freestylin'!"

-RoboNixon

The Rise and Fall of BSG

Ron Moore -- why does BSG suck so hard this season!?

Battlestar Galactica had an amazing three season run. With clearly drawn characters facing tough moral, life-or-death decisions every week, it was a stunning commentary on modern day American life, on what it meant to be human, on religion, on politics, on faith. Which isn't to say that there weren't weak spots -- while Season 1 is practically flawless, Season 2 has a stretch in the latter half where there are a number of episodes that suffer from Trek-itis (falling prey to lame contrivances a la Star Trek). But it was OK, because even these episodes usually had something that kept them hovering above the label of mediocre, above the title of bad, around the area of good, which was a minor err for the constantly great show.

Season 3 also suffered from being uneven, but the New Caprica segments were so brutal, so captivating, that when things started to veer off in the latter half of the season, it was alright. We were with it. And then the big Final Five reveal of the season finale led us to hope that maybe Season 4 would end the show on the greatness that it deserved. That maybe Season 4 would be the season that would be nominated for an Emmy for best Drama. That maybe Edward James Olmos would get a nod for his grizzled growling. 

But nay. NAY! For we have been forsaken, us BSG fans! We have been abandoned! Left behind! Because this BSG is not the BSG of the previous three seasons. No, this BSG is... is mediocre. Is trifling. Is. Not. Good.

I said it. I got it out. I'm still standing, I'm still here. But come with me, fellow fans, and admit the truth. You too know that there has been something off this season, something that has not sat well with you, despite grasping at straws of quality when they appear among the pile of pins.

Rather than waste your time with a recap of Friday's episode, I give you this: a digression into how my favorite show on TV has become usurped by others. How my crown jewel of television has fallen. How I compare this season of BSG to the quality of Heroes. Read on.

I have tried hard to find things I've liked in all the episodes so far this season. And there have been elements that worked. But from the very beginning, with the emphasis on Baltar and his single God, his cult, and the emo-ness of the Final Four (of Five), I knew something was off.

This season has been incredibly unfocused. Whereas LOST, another serialized show with a firm cut-off date, has used its limited run to focus and drive the story towards a definite conclusion, this season of BSG, the LAST, has acted like an unfocused child. Oh, maybe we'll spend some time with this because it's kind of interesting. Oh, now we're over here. Look, it's something shiny! I like shiny things! Wait, where are we...?

I will excuse the show this: The stuff with the Cylon civil war works, and is interesting, and fun to watch. In fact, I'd say that the Cylon stuff (not the Final Five) is the most interesting part of this season. No, where this season has fallen short are the characters we care about the most.

1) Not enough Adama. Girl, you know it's true. Adama has been AWOL for large chunks of this season, without a real arc or story. And then, when it looks like we might be getting more of him with his reading-to-chemo'd-Roslin, she goes and disappears. And then we get Adama acting entirely out of character, leaving Cylon-impregnating-Final-Fiver Tigh to run the fleet. Yeah. Great idea buddy. Worked out so well last time. When he nearly DESTROYED EVERYTHING. Good judgement call. And right after getting the shit kicked out of you. NICE.

2) Lee. I knew Lee was going to end up President as soon as he said "Nay!" to his padre and moved into the Quorum. However, what I thought was going to happen was his ascendency would occur after Roslin died... which is not the case. No, instead we get some lame BS about how the Vice-President is a douche and Adama doesn't want to work with him. This, despite the fact that Adama is GIVING UP HIS ADMIRALTY. What I've liked about the show is it's political underpinnings, but by saying "screw you" to the whole notion of civil government in the fleet by appointing Lee the President because Zarek is kind of a d-bag is lame. What happened to rules of logic, show? What happened to tough choices? What happened to the major struggle at the end of Season 1 -- the balance between civil government and military protection? We spent so much time with that, developing that... and to toss it away in a single episode... What a waste.

3) I thought characters only came back from the dead in the Marvel Universe, but I guess I was wrong. I keep waiting for Starbuck's return to mean anything, or to be interesting at all, but all of the interesting drama of having someone who YOU THOUGHT WAS DEAD FOR TWO MONTHS RETURN is glossed over in favor of her having emo-paint time with Leoben. What does it mean to Lee, who totally wants to get in on that shit? What does it mean to Anders, who just discovered he's a Cylon, who she's MARRIED to? What does it mean to Adama, who is like a father to her? Do we get emotion? Do we get plots? No. We get a glossed over emotional beats that are abandoned so Gaeta can sing for an entire episode. Thanks, BSG. It's not like I enjoy your characters at all.

4) Lame-ness. Romo Lampkin is lame. I'm sorry. He sucks. He sucked at the end of Season 3, and he sucks now. Also, he's not blind. Everyone I talk to thinks he's blind. He's not. He's just a tool who always wears sunglasses. Also, he's a tool that's gone completely ape-shit, and he's a tool that I'd rather not spend time with. For a show with a ginormous cast, there's no need to intermittently bring back a character I care-not-at-all-for and spend a huge chunk of time with when Dualla has gotten three lines all season. Gaeta, I'm sorry, I love you, but your singing shit was also lame. I know the show wants to be dramatic -- hell, I understand that's what a drama needs to be -- but when you force drama on us like tonic to a sick child, you know it's just going to end up all over your face. We understand shit sucks for Gaeta, since he's lost his leg. We dig it. We're in on it. But there's no need to ruin what was otherwise a fairly badass episode with his lame singing.  CAN! YOU! DIG IT?!

5) Where is the excitement in the show? Where is the discovery? This past episode, we get little elements of surprise -- the raptor that jumps in with a dead body in it and a charred book. Cool! But the recon they do where it jumped from reveals nothing. No surprises. No discovery. So what do they decide to do?... NOTHING! Nope, Adama's just gonna sit in his raptor and wait until the answers come to him. That's great, BSG. I love it when things happen because you plotted them to, rather than them occurring due to story-evolution. In the past, even when discovery and adventure was FORCED, it was still welcome. Now, we don't even get it. The only surprising moment I've had with the show recently was when the hybrid woke up and yelled "JUMP." Otherwise, things have been forecast fairly well. 

And worst of all...

6) Logic. The show has lost its internal logic. What the show was always about was these people, in this situation, having to make tough calls. That is the definition of the drama for the first three seasons. Blow up the ship that could be tracked by Cylons, and everyone on board, or risk the Cylons discovering you and destroying the fleet? Tough decision. No "right" decision, just a less wrong one. And there hasn't been any of that with the fleet. Sure, the Cylons have made AWESOME tough decisions -- Civil War or not? Destroy the (AWFULLY CONVENIENT) Resurrection Hub or not? Etc. But what does the fleet do? Nothing. 

Now, I don't mean to say there haven't been good, or even awesome, episodes of the show this season. No, my point is that, as a whole, the BSG writing staff have lost their way. They have forgotten what makes the show great, and what has made it great. They have dwelled on the "dramatic" rather than writing the drama. They have focused on the "intriguing" rather than the characters and their struggles. They have lost the truth of the show. They have given us some great moments, some great episodes, but the complete fourth season so far has... well... disappointed. If I hadn't spent so much time with it already, I'd be out of here. 

Here's to hoping they get it back. I love you BSG, but you have killed me a little inside.

-RoboNixon