Don't Mess With the Zohan (Unless You're 12)

So I saw You Don't Mess With the Zohan, Adam Sandler's latest creation. I haven't seen the last handful of Sandler flicks (the last I saw in theaters was Anger Management... in 2003), so what made me go "Hrm. I'll see this film!" 

Judd Apatow. Yes, Judd Apatow, he of 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, producer of Superbad, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Freaks & Geeks of TV renown. Along with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog mastermind, Robert Smigal, and Sandler, Apatow wrote the screenplay to this comedy-in-the-world-of-Middle-East-Conflict. How does it fair?

Well, Apatow decided to channel his inner twelve year old. Smigal's humor has always been fairly silly, and Sandler's audience is typically acne-prone, hormonal, and can't vote, so their contributions weren't a surprise. Maybe I just expected more from Apatow. My B.

Because "Zohan" is a silly, silly, movie. At times, like a live-action cartoon. The plot follows counter-terrorist Israeli super-agent, hacky-sack champ, disco dancer, and naked-chef, the aspiring hair-dresser, Zohan. He's great at everything, but is sick of all the fighting. So he fakes his death in a face-off with John Turtorro's "Phantom," and sets out for NYC , renaming himself Scrappy Cocoa (After two dogs -- literally -- he gives make-overs to), and gets in all sorts of crazy hi jinks. He finally gets a job at a shitty beauty-shop run by a Palestinian (Emmanuelle Chriqui from ENTOURAGE), falls in love, bones old ladies, and stops a crazy Dave Matthews red-neck from burning down the neighborhood and inciting Israeli-Palestinian New York City Conflict.

It is ridiculous. 

The scene where we're introduced to Matthew's red-neck character, decked out in a silly mustache, cowboy hat, and terrible plaid, I had no idea who the actor was. "He looks familiar," I thought to myself. I turned to RoboGirlfriend, who I dragged along with me, "Is that Dave Matthews?" "Yes," she replied, then returned her gaze to the screen .Wow. Dave Matthews in an Adam Sandler film. Later in the movie, he enters screen with a bomb and a cage full of adorable puppies. "I'll blow you up... and these puppies!" He cackles. Wow.

Some mention should be made to the extensive cameos. George Takei, Bruce Vilanch, John McEnroe, Kevin James, Mariah Carey, Kevin Nealon, and that's just off the top of my head. Which, of course, leads to a ridiculous scene of product promotion.

The scene: Mariah Carey, John  Turtorro, Adam Sandler, Carey's assistants.

Sandler's phone rings. It's a video-communique.

Mariah Carey: What kind of phone is that?

Sandler: (turns with phone to camera) A Sony Ericsson.

Carey: Does that have bluetooth?

Sandler: Yes.

Carey: I can never figure that out.

Sandler: You just sync it to your computer. What kind of computer do you have? Mac or PC?

Carey: I don't know. (to assistants) What kind of computer do I have? PC or Mac?

Assistants: Mac.

There was probably more. I can't remember more because I was too busy at the time, being bludgeoned to death by advertising. Later:

Carey: (to Turtorro, as he exits) Don't forget to buy my latest album!

And that's the movie.

If you can't vote, and have recently entered puberty, this movie is for you. Otherwise, at best, it's worth a shot on DVD.

-RoboNixon