Hellboy II: The Golden Army

I want to tell you Hellboy II is a step-up from its predecessor. I want to tell you Hellboy II is a step forward for director Guillermo del Toro in creating unique, twisted -- and accessible -- pieces of entertainment. I want to tell you to go see it.

But what I must tell you is a bit different.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army, is a wonderful piece of eye-candy, and a nice counterpoint to these $200 million blockbusters that pop-up each summer. Guillermo del Toro made a movie from $85 million that looks like it had a bigger budget than The Incredible Hulk. From the bajillion monster costumes, puppets, CG effects, and sets, it's all larger than life. Make-up is top-notch, and the performances of Ron Perlman and Doug Jones as Hellboy and Abe Sapien, respectively, are never hindered by the layers and layers they're covered with. From the oft-spoke-about Troll Market sequence to the Angel of Death, to the Forest Elemental, the visuals in the film are dynamic, and a treat.

Unfortunately, as a piece of cinema, the film does not hold up. I thought del Toro's previous film, the Spanish-language Pan's Labyrinth, was a fantastic, well paced, and focused piece of fantasy. Hellboy II is all over the place.

The film starts with a nice little flashback to an eleven year old Hellboy on an Army base on Christmas, being read the expositional-back-story to the Golden Army by his "father," Professor Broom, played by John Hurt who briefly reprises his role from the first film. 

With so much time spent on the expositional back-story of the Golden Army, and with the first non-flashback character we meet being the villain, Prince Nuada (Luke Goss), the biggest problem of the film comes to light: Not enough time spent with Hellboy. Especially for new comers. If you didn't see the first film, you'd be fairly confused as to who Hellboy is and what he struggles with. For the first act of the film, it seems as if Hellboy, who has a --ahem-- fiery relationship with fellow "freak" and Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense co-worker, Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), is all about being accepted by the public. Which doesn't really know he exists. So, of course, in cleaning-up the scene of Nuada's first act of war against humans (it involves Tooth Fairies eating people at an auction), he allows himself to be "outted" to the public... which causes a headache for Bureau Chief Manning (Jeffrey Tambor).

The thing is, with so little 1st act time actually spent with Hellboy, it's hard to understand why he wants to be part of the public so much. We don't meet Hellboy for probably 15 minutes, and then we don't really get a sense of who he is for maybe another half-hour. In fact, in the first scene we see him in he's having some sort of fight with Liz over their (I guess) co-habitation space being all dirty from his incredible-amount-0f-crap. Of course, there's something else a-brewin' between them, but since we don't spend really any time with just the two of them together, it's pretty difficult to surmise how things are. 

I should add that when Hellboy "comes out" to the public, Washington sends a new liaison to try and wrangle him. The man is another "freak," the ectoplasmic Johann Krauss. Voiced by Family Guy's Seth McFarlane, the character is a lot of fun, even if the "rules" of how his ephemeral body works is never quite clear (despite him listing what he can do). It's perhaps a tad ironic that a character who is not the focus of the film, who has no eyes, can exhibit no physical emotion, is the easiest to understand; Late in the film, when he must make a choice, his decision is clear, and you totally understand why. It's the little things, and seeing how it works so effectively when done well makes the lack of it for everyone else all the more tragic.

And this is the problem with the film. So much time is spent on moving the (rote) story forward that we end up with a lack of time with the characters. Abe, the pseudo-amphibious team member, quickly falls in love with Princess Nuala, Nuada's sister, and keeper of the last piece of the Golden Crown which controls the Golden Army. But why does he fall in love with her? Do they have some sort of connection... because all we get in the film is them touching each others' hands (they're both empaths -- can "read" thoughts, events, by touch) and... that's it. 

The big conflict of the film for Hellboy is between wanting to be part of the Human world -- which, once he's outted, likes to throw shit at him on the street and tell him he's ugly -- or the monster world, which is hankerin' for a war with the humans. Where does Hellboy's loyalty lie? But with the exception of a single moment, where this conflict is explicitly stated by Nuada, when Hellboy must decide whether to destroy a forest elemental --"the last of its kind"-- thus saving the occupants of New York -- or to let it live, thus choosing to side with the monsters against the blah blah blah humans.

But beyond this moment, it's never there. This central conflict of who Hellboy chooses to be is, well, not so central. 

As such, the movie sort of stutters forward toward a fairly anti-climactic end-fight, and you're left thinking: For a movie that looks so great, it failed to keep my attention.

My recommendation is do with Hellboy II what you did with Hellboy I -- Wait for DVD.

-RoboNixon

ps. I saw the movie w/RoboGirlfriend and after the movie, this is what she had to say about it: "I wanted to take a nap." Nerds with girlfriends, you have been warned.