I can't believe it happened. But last night, I watched Alvin & the Chipmunks. Sitting in the apartment, with RoboRoommate v.2, we figured it would be good for a laugh. "It has to be so terrible it's amusing," was our rationale. If only we had known. If only...
Those who made this movie touched upon something dark and evil that lurks beyond the realm of man. Alvin & the Chipmunks isn't bad, it's evil. Like the call of cthulhu before it, the purpose of this film is only to plant the seed of cruelty, deceit, and depravity into the minds of children everywhere.
I cannot recommend this movie to you, dear reader, even if you are in an altered state of mind, because I want to protect you from this mortal sin.
David Cross plays a shallow, sarcastic, and selfish music executive who likes to tell Jason Lee, a songwriter, how horrible his music is. Then, upon discovering Alvin & the Chipmunks, he works to convince Lee that the money to be made off of them is limitless. David Cross isn't even playing a character in this movie. We realized about halfway through that David Cross is playing David Cross. It's psuedo-common knowledge that Cross did this movie for the hefty paycheck. But what's stranger is that in the movie, he works to convince Jason Lee to work with him so they can both make money off the chipmunks. All the scenes play like Cross is trying to convince Lee to be in the movie with him so they can make phat dollahz.
Also strange is how Jason Lee seems to have just given up. There's no moment where he (the actor) tries to do anything other than survive the mess that he's in. What made the film work better for RoboRoommate v.2 and myself was this (which we made up, but helped us survive): In the past, Dave (Lee's character) was committed to an asylum for the insane, for his conviction that there were three talking chipmunks ruining his life. He went away... but came back, sane, in charge. It's only when he is actually cursed with three talking chipmunks that his life starts to unravel again... all the work he put forward... all the hard therapy... the stares on the streets... all of it returning... Yet, he can't confront this issue head on -- the stress would be too much.
It's only when the public accepts the chipmunks that Dave is vindicated. Other people see the chipmunks too! Oh sweet Jesus, thank you for absolving me of my sins!
In their first interaction, Alvin farts in Dave's face. Then, later, when Dave is yelling at the three rodents for behaving badly, Theodore literally shits himself in fear. Dave is then more upset, but Simon passes it off as it's just a raisin left over on the couch... and eats it. Yes, Simon eats Theodore's shit.
Much like the audience did.
Not only that, but after knocking Dave out when he first tries to remove them from his home, the Chipmunks decide what to do with this unconscious human on the kitchen floor. Alvin's response is to list items he needs. A few plastic bags, etc, etc... I looked to RoboRoommate v.2 and exclaimed, "Are they talking about disposing of his body?"
That's the evil that is this film.
In what must have been an act of God, our DVR malfunctioned, 74 minutes through, of 92. The movie must be like hell, because I honestly thought we had watched two hours of it already. We couldn't get the film back on. It was a sign. A welcome salvation.
Alvin & the Chipmunks is the work of something foul in this world... something evil...
Stay away.
-RoboNixon
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